To My Doodle Bug Friend

My heart is soooooo heavy. Yesterday was an old friends birthday. We were 12 together. We both were creative and loved to draw. We would write notes to each other decorated with "Doodle Bugs." We were 12 together for only a short time because the innocence lost when we were 12 changed us both.  His father was also a sex addict and child molester. I'm guessing their house was full of incest too. G's father was one of my eighth grade teachers.

My father, along with G's dad and several other men did unspeakable things to us one day. I was lucky to dissociate and spin off alters to hold the pain and the memory. G wasn't so lucky. I remember wondering a year or two later why G was so distant. We had been good friends. I could see incredible sadness and pain in his eyes...but I had no clue why.

A few years ago I started remembering what happened that day. I searched until I found G. I called and left messages but he would never call back...finally I was able to talk to him. He came to the phone angry. I told him that I thought of him often and that I hoped he was well and happy. I told him that I had very few memories of my childhood but that I knew he had been a good friend. I told him I was beginning to remember some horrible things and that if he ever wanted to talk I'd be willing. As we talked that day on the phone, he softened and his voice smoothed out. I wrote him afterwards and said that I did not blame him for anything and that I knew he was horribly hurt by what happened and that I hoped he found peace. I told him I would understood if he did not respond to my letter. I was okay with whatever he did.

I never heard back from him. I hope my phone call and letter helped him to set the pain down and know he was not to blame. I hope he is alright, and if not that he will have the courage to seek help. I never forgot that we drew Doodle Bugs" but I also could never remember how we drew them...until the memories started coming back and one of my 12 year old alters started drawing Doodle bugs again.  :o}