Inadequate words for hurting people

Life does go on. Strange and horrid things still happen. Like so many other people, I am hurting for the families in Newtown. I grieve and pray for the families of the slain, the children who survived but are scarred... for the small town no longer so small, and for all who feel their hedge of safely crumbling around them.

Sometimes there are no reasons why. There are never concrete answers that soothe and bring closure to hearts broken like this. Even though God can and does turn bitter sorrow into sweet peace, He does not cause something like this to happen in order to reach someones heart or to teach a lesson. People generally don't know what to say when tragedy strikes. Too often we spout cliches to try to heal the hurt and say that "this is Gods will," or "one day you will understand"....I don't believe that for a minute! I am not a theologian, and certainly not an expert on God, but this is what I believe:

 The foundation of the universe is God’s Love. That is the framework of all things. It is like the warp in a weaving. The weft, or what weaves into God’s love are things He gives us to know Him better.
1) Himself…found in daily communion with Him
2) Healthy living, exercise, good sleep….
3) Relationships with others
These things can make our lives fuller, but unfortunately, because humanity chose sin, there is evil woven into God’s otherwise perfect weaving. Since we live in a sinful world, bad things will happen to us. God’s perfect plan never includes pain and death, but since sin, God’s perfect plan is on hold, waiting for Heaven. Until then, we must contend with evil in this world. I believe that Satan attempts to destroy us continuously. He uses everything he can to kill and hurt humanity. His goal is to destroy the objects of God’s joy, and to cause who is left to lose faith in God’s power. I believe that Satan influences nature, and if the angels did not hold back the evil, the whole earth would have already been destroyed.



Pain and suffering are natural results of living in a world that chose to go against God’s perfect plan. Some people say God chooses not to change nature, some say He can’t. I don’t know which is true; I prefer to believe in a God that has no limits. There is quite a difference between a God who can’t and a God who won’t. I believe God can change nature, (Earthquakes, hurricanes, fire…) but doesn’t always do so. If He did every time we ask Him, there would be nothing constant in the Universe. No one would know what to expect in life. God is all-powerful, but he does not always rescue us out of painful and harmful circumstances. If He did, natural consequences would be gone, and so would everyone’s free will.

Natural consequences come as a result of people’s choices. Choosing to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…disease brought on by poor living choices…breaking the law can land you in jail. These are free will choices. What is harder to understand is when someone else’s free choice hurts an innocent person. A child does not choose to be abused or neglected…a drunk driver kills… someone shoots randomly into a home killing innocent people...(Twenty six people die in Newtown because of the choices of one very sick individual.) These things are beyond unfair, but they are real. All of us experience the results of poor choices and other people’s sins in our lives. When we call out to God to help us, He ALWAYS does…but often the help comes in ways hard to identify, and in God’s own timing.

God’s tears are shed when His children suffer. It is never in His perfect plan for pain and death to occur. Many people find comfort in believing that in the end, they will understand why evil things happened in their lives or in the lives of those they loved. I don’t believe God hurts us in order to heal us. I believe the only answer some people will have as to “why,” will be the embrace and shared tears of an empathizing and equally hurt God. There are times when we face disease, pain and loss that have no root cause other than living on a sinful planet. God only asks of us then, “Can you trust me with this…even if you never know why?”

Rescuing everyone in need is naturally what we want, and expect of God. It would certainly be His first choice also. But it would be like removing sections of our lives.  In our weaving, we see that if God cut out the evil, then the strands holding together life, as we know it, would unravel, and that would mean that God would unravel, and GOD CANNOT UNRAVEL.  What He does instead is to come in and modify that bad spot. He can color it a different color…He gives us strength to endure, and can bring in extra earthly help. When time is over, if we continue to trust Him, we will find ourselves bound closer to Gods heart. We can be assured that whatever we suffer, Jesus suffered it first. He understands our needs and the unspoken cries of our hearts. “ Sometimes your mind may become clouded because of pain. Then do not try to think. You know Jesus loves you. He understands your weaknesses. You can do His will by simply resting in His arms.” (Ministry of Healing)

Sometimes He does perform miracles. Sometimes he doesn’t. God’s weaving of life is endless, and we only live in one small spot of it. We cannot see the whole weaving like He does. He alone is able to orchestrate life and bring all who will to eternal life (That is His ultimate goal!!!) The entire weaving is what is important. If we live in Gods love, and accept His help in our lives, then in Heaven, we can look at the tapestry from both sides, and see the places God repaired and reworked the fibers.

So much for my puny thoughts...I guess searching for answers even when there are none feels better than doing nothing.

Alone

I have discovered that life keeps moving. (I know...you already know that...) Even if I don't move with it. I thought I knew it too, but lately it has become more plain to me. My head is still stuck, frozen in time. The tangled fiber optic threads in my brain are slowly rearranging themselves into a new pattern. I hope it will end up somewhat familiar.

I have been numb. Living on auto pilot. Going through the motions. I am now feeling the beginnings of anxiety. I know soon I will have to re-visit this memory and re-process it some more. I want all of it to turn into a long term memory instead of staying fresh, as if it happened yesterday.

Being caught between then and now leaves me very empty and very isolated. I can't seem to connect very well to anything or anyone. It is like the experience of something so horrendous settles me quietly into a room that only a few people have been in. It is a silent room. It does not help to know that others have been here before me. I am sure there will also be people here in the future, but we will never meet. As the room is silent, it is also dark. No one who has ever experienced this room acknowledges it's existence, let alone someone else who has been here. The knowledge that these kind of crimes happen to other people also, is too painful. It makes what happened too real. If it only happened to me then there might be a chance that I made it all up or that I am crazy. Both scenarios are easier to accept than the truth. I want to believe this never happened.

What would it look like to connect with someone who has either been in this room, or is willing to come in and sit a while with me? A finger touch is all it would take to begin thawing the past and its icy grip. I don't expect anyone to understand completely, or to fix it. I'd just like to know I'm not alone. I'd like to see myself in someone else's eyes...not reflected, but SEEN. I'd like to know there is someone out there who is willing to come and sit a while... even if I can't let them in.