Alone

I have discovered that life keeps moving. (I know...you already know that...) Even if I don't move with it. I thought I knew it too, but lately it has become more plain to me. My head is still stuck, frozen in time. The tangled fiber optic threads in my brain are slowly rearranging themselves into a new pattern. I hope it will end up somewhat familiar.

I have been numb. Living on auto pilot. Going through the motions. I am now feeling the beginnings of anxiety. I know soon I will have to re-visit this memory and re-process it some more. I want all of it to turn into a long term memory instead of staying fresh, as if it happened yesterday.

Being caught between then and now leaves me very empty and very isolated. I can't seem to connect very well to anything or anyone. It is like the experience of something so horrendous settles me quietly into a room that only a few people have been in. It is a silent room. It does not help to know that others have been here before me. I am sure there will also be people here in the future, but we will never meet. As the room is silent, it is also dark. No one who has ever experienced this room acknowledges it's existence, let alone someone else who has been here. The knowledge that these kind of crimes happen to other people also, is too painful. It makes what happened too real. If it only happened to me then there might be a chance that I made it all up or that I am crazy. Both scenarios are easier to accept than the truth. I want to believe this never happened.

What would it look like to connect with someone who has either been in this room, or is willing to come in and sit a while with me? A finger touch is all it would take to begin thawing the past and its icy grip. I don't expect anyone to understand completely, or to fix it. I'd just like to know I'm not alone. I'd like to see myself in someone else's eyes...not reflected, but SEEN. I'd like to know there is someone out there who is willing to come and sit a while... even if I can't let them in.