Going Back

I went back to Bladenboro. I didn't know if I could survive going back. I did have chest pain. My Blood pressure skyrocketed, but I had an amazing support system and I'm home again and trying to process it.  I went to Bladenboro in January...and have been mostly brain dead since then... which is ok since my brain is still re-organizing itself. My husband is patient, my children are supportive, my therapist is amazing and my friends are awesome! I know it will get better.

I found the house we lived in when I lost my shoes... and located where I believe the murders happened. While there, I talked to some people who can look for the bodies and research things that happened during that time in the area. Much of the land has been cleared, which will make the search easier. I don't know when or if the search will happen, but I do believe it will.

I am surprised at how much better I can breathe since going. My blood pressure is lower and my heart beats a little more regularly. My muscles are more relaxed more of the time. My system (inner family) is starting to thaw. We have been frozen since actively working on this memory. (2+ years) I don't feel as alone. It has been so quiet inside for so long. For a long time it has felt like I (The part Crystal) have been left out to deal with life alone, with no inside help. I'm pretty sure I've been getting help all this time...but I haven't felt it. It has also been harder to tell when someone else is out. It is like me as a total person is incognito. No one has been willing or perhaps able to own anything. Even anything unimportant...

My feelings of being alone outside are better too. (See previous post)  Two friends went with me to Bladenboro and two more who couldn't go physically, accompanied us in thoughts and prayers. One of the friends that went with me is a childhood friend. She remembers me telling her about the lady and the little girl in the hole in the ground when we were small. Amazing!!!! My husband and children were extremely supportive even though they couldn't come with me. I didn't tell my siblings about going. I haven't told them about this memory yet either. I have been so afraid too. BUT...I'm telling them today. Fear can do a person in...and I don't want to be done in anymore. If the bodies are found, they will probably find out then anyway.

I don't know how much I can say, or pictures I can show here...the investigator said not to say very much so I don't interfere with any investigation that might happen...so I guess this is enough for today. Hopefully it won't take me so long to post again.